How am Il?

Well let me tell you....FUCK EVERYONE AND THE FUCKING HORSES YOU ALL RODE IN ON
I'm so sick of telling people that I'm fine - 'cause guess what - I AM NOT FINE and the next person who asks me how I am I think I'm going to scream and tell them excately how I am starting at the bottom and working my way up, hope you have lots of time. Then rev up that waaabulance 'cuase I'm going to need it. All I want to do is stand in the middle of my apartment and scream FUCK over and over again until I'm unable to scream anymore. Unfortunately, that is out of the question so I guess I'll just stew about and wait for the next person who asks me how I am. Consider yourselves warned.

It's Official

My deposit has been recieved - Egypt here I come... well in almost three months... I guess I should start a count down counter - if I had any idea how to do it, I would -

In other news, I have decided to set myself goals.... oh boy.... goals.... 3 goals that I need to do per week, 3 goals to be accomplished in 3 months and 3 goals to be accomplished in 6 months...

My weekly goals are:
1) Take Murphy for a walk everyday and go to the park at least twice
2) Attend class
3) Go to belly dancing twice a week

The next three months:
1) Get my hair cut - professionally
2) Write an internal dialoge journal for at least 21 days
3) Start the massage registration recerification process

The next six months:
1) Get new tattoo
2) Recertify massage registration
3) Be able to have one hour of my own time every day

We'll have to see how I do.

So Tired

I went to see my Dr. on Friday and was told that I am suffering from non-restorative sleep. That is when you go to sleep, but don't actually get any rest. This has been going on for I don't know how long. I am so tired... I go to bed and wake up feeling like I didn't. I can not get anything done, I forget things ie: putting water on to boil for pasta last night, then forgetting about the cooking pasta... got lucky and it wasn't too overcooked. I can't concentrate on any one thing for any amount of time and just feel grumpy. I resorted to taking OTC sleeping pills last night to see if I could get a little rest... I guess I'm slightly more awake today in comparison to yesterday... it's hard to tell anymore. My Dr. has prescribed more drugs, but they'll take anywhere upto 3 weeks to kick in so if I suddenly go absolutely mental it's due to sleep deprivation so please forgive me. Hopefully it's nothing more than another side effect of chronic pain - I can just add it to the list of things that I find myself suffering from. Of course it comes right when it seemed things were getting back on track... anyway... must think positive and hope the Universe is still up there looking out for me... I really good use the extra help.

Bday Pictures....

Better late than never.....

Instant Snow Storm

I love Canada, there's lots of things to love about this great country of ours, unfortunately the weather in most cases is not one of those things. Especially in the winter. It has been cold, bitterly cold, it has been wet, it has been warm... I think my head is going to explode. I bought $600 worth of snowtires and have driven in snow maybe 5 times, at the most. Better be really snowy next year.

For Jo...

Ok, ok.... the pictures are coming.... I was just a little tired over the weekend and did not manage to get anything really accomplisehed. Well besides ending up at a bday party for a 3 year old and I did manage to get to belly dancing and M's stitch and bitch...not that I did alot of stitching as I was way toooooo tired. Anyway, I'm at work right now and I will try and get some pics. up later this evening. Just goes to show you that my friends did a very good job on my Bday.... Thanks everybody :)

The Big Day

So it's here - Friday the 13th - my birthday. I am so excited, I can barely remember the last time my birthday fell on a Friday... damn those leap years. Anyways, I am so ready to go out and celebrate, and I am so happy that people are going to be coming out and joining me - who cares if the music isn't all that great there's drinks and pool and if it's really bad we could always go somewhere else. I just wanna dance.... dance, dance, dance, dance heeeeeeeeee Sorry getting distracted. Must remember to bring my camera... then there will be pictures to post. And as a Happy Birthday to me present - I have paid my deposit on my trip to Egypt.

The Count Down is On...

Only 5 more days to B-day, and this year I am beginning to feel much better about the whole thing. Usually around this time I get super critical of myself and throw myself into a week long depression before the big day. But I think I might actually get through this week ok... - yes one of my goals for this year is to be kind to myself and to be more positive. I also think having that huge emotional break-down before New Year's really helped too... I really need to find the strength to express myself otherwise I just know I'll endup breaking down again. Another goal to add to the list. These are not resolutions per se - I see resolutions being quit smoking lose weight that sorta thing... these are more goals towards me living a happier and healthier life. Discovering what makes me truely happy - Murphy makes me happy - so I must appreaciate everyday I have with him because I know he is one of my guiding lights,my family makes me happy - I have to think of a way to connect with my brother again(even if that means being nice to the witch, I mean sister-in-law), my friends make me happy - I must spend more time with them and reconnect with the ones that have faded from sight, unfortunately it also means that I have to clear away the ones that I have to work to hard at(the whole two way street sorta thing), belly dancing makes me happy - that means more, more, more - hope you are upto it L., dancing makes me happy - even if I have to start going on my own, reading makes me happy - I have to allow more time to non-educational reading - well maybe not non-educational but not to do with U of T classes. Wow... that's quite the list off the top of my head.... It's going to take alot of work... but being the quintissential Capricorn I will slowly climb my way to the top.

I have also decided it was time to begin real thearapy for my hip again. Of course this was brought about by throwing my back out last week, this time it happened to be the right side which is quite unusual for me. So I am now going for theraputic massage to help restore my body's balance and I am sure that it will help with restoring my emotional balance as well, since it is all connected. Yoga and meditation are also going to be apart of this, I know that my brain goes off in a million different directions at any one time, so these will help me bring it all back and focus my energy and it doesn't take long. I did about half an hour of meditating, stretching and 3 rounds of Sun Rise Salutatation this afternoon and I feel so much better. My neck was killing me, my mind was all over the place and I was feeling tired, but afterwards I feel better, stronger and more able to concentrate. Hence the really long post.

Anyway here is to making 2006 my year for postive change and moving forward. I hope that I can include you all in this process.

Turning out to be a fabulous 2006...

Please insert a whole lot of sarcasm here... not only did I overdo it New Year's, which i guess isn't all that bad... but now I've managed to really throw my back out. So I decided to stay home and will most likely stay home tomorrow too. Especially since it doesn't seem like it is getting any better. It's all ok if I don't move, however... I just have not been able to sit around... which has probably made the problem worse... The furthest I have made it today is to Tim Horton's at the subway station. Poor Murphy... This is not the way I wanted to start out a new year - whining and all... This year is supposed to be a turning point and a time to finally move forward.

Happy New Year

Well I think that I'm glad 2005 is over, especially since I managed to have an complete emotional melt down on the 30th...I think this year I will have to come up with some sort of stategy to express myself emotionaly so that it doesn't get all pent up... if anyone has any suggestions they would be greatly appreciate... Anyway, I made the decision to head up to my parents house for New Year's seemed like the safe thing to do. Was feeling in need of a safe place to be. I then ended up at the rockin' establishment Club H in metro downtown Owen Sound for New Year's with my friend Alison, she figured I should go out for a few drinks and have some fun. Well it was more than a few drinks so New Year's day was spent mostly in bed, recovering and trying to remember if I did anything stupid. I've made it back to TO in one piece, unfortunately I've managed to mess up my back and I have been moving around like the Hunch Back of Notre Dame... such a beautiful image... blahhhh oh well hope the Robax platinum starts working soon.....